A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) Read online

  Em’s sigh was sad and weary, and she admonished herself not to start feeling sorry for herself, but to cherish this moment and this wonderful, generous gift her father had given her.

  It took a moment for the true reality to sink in, and an enormous burden she’d been carrying alone for the past five months seemed to lift off her slender shoulders, freeing her from the fear and panic that had walked every step of the way with her every day of those five months.

  Closing her eyes, she pressed a protective hand against her slightly bulging tummy, and said a silent, grateful prayer before taking some slow, deep breaths to contain both her tears and her emotions.

  What she really wanted to do was jump with unbridled joy and relief.

  But she knew she couldn’t.

  Josh would become alarmed and the last thing she wanted to do was alarm Josh, she thought in sudden amusement. Always the worrier, alarming Josh was tantamount to waving a red flag in front of an angry bull. It would only cause him to leap into action like some ultraresponsible television hero, to jump into the role of her rescuer and protector, something she couldn’t—and wouldn’t allow him to do.

  Not anymore.

  She was no longer a child, but an adult, and if her first encounter with Josh ended up with her weeping and wailing about life’s misfortunes, or rather her misfortunes, Josh would think he’d have to take care of her, protect her, or worse, “fix” things for her.

  And in spite of her situation, or maybe because of it, Em knew that she was the only one who could fix things in her life.

  This was her life, and she planned to take responsibility for it.

  She knew it; and she had to be certain that when the time came, Josh knew it, too.

  So, for now, she’d simply have to silently savor and rejoice in this generous bequest from her father and be grateful for the blessings bestowed on her.

  Josh looked at her a moment, then gave in to the urges rushing through him and lifted a gentle hand to Emma’s too pale cheek. Her skin seemed unusually cool and a bit clammy, worrying him further.

  “Em?” He frowned, longing to just hold her in his arms, to offer the comfort he feared she sorely needed. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

  Em bit back a sigh. She simply wanted to lean into his comfort, his warmth, if only for a brief moment, if only to erase the terrible coldness and loneliness seeping through her, chilling her to the bone.

  Get a grip, Em, she scolded herself. Daddy always told you never to spill your problems onto others. The least she could do under the circumstances was honor her father’s wishes—at least once in her life. And not embarrass herself in the process.

  “Em, look, if you’re not up to this right now, we can do it later,” Josh said. She looked so pale, so frail and fragile he feared she might keel over.

  Nearly undone by his touch as well as his kindness, Em slowly shook her head, not trusting herself to speak, praying the wave of nausea and dizziness winding through her once again would pass. If only the room would stay still until she got this business over with, she’d be eternally grateful.

  “I’m fine, Josh,” she said, forcing a too bright and brittle smile, gritting her teeth and taking slow, deep breaths the way the doctor had instructed to keep the bile from rising in her throat, choking her. “Really,” she lied, placing a hand over her tummy again.

  He nodded, not believing a word she said. There was obviously something drastically wrong here, something more than just her grief over her father. But he wasn’t about to press the issue right now. There would be time for that—later. He hoped.

  “Well, I’m sure you’re tired from your trip. So why don’t we do the rest of this later? There’s no rush. Aggie’s been handling the diner since your father’s death, so she has those keys and things are going smoothly there so there’s really nothing to worry about at the moment.” He glanced at her again, trying to see beyond the carefully controlled facade she was trying to get him to accept. “Are you going to be staying at your dad’s house while you’re here?” he asked carefully. “Or are you going back home right away.”

  Home.

  She’d come to believe there was no such thing, at least not for her.

  “No,” she said carefully, glancing down at her fingers carefully laced in her lap. “I’m not going anywhere for a while.” Smiling, she glanced up at him to find him watching her curiously. “And yes, I’m going to be staying in Daddy’s house while I’m here.”

  “Then why don’t I run you home so you can get yourself settled in?” With a frown, Josh glanced down at the sheaf of papers in the folder. “There’s still a few more things we need to go over, but they can wait,” he said as he closed the file.

  For a moment, Em hesitated, torn between wanting to get this over with, and wanting to find someplace cool and quiet to rest. She’d been traveling nearly eighteen hours on a bus in order to get here, and right now, her head was throbbing like a bongo drum being abused by a recalcitrant toddler, and the dizziness rocking every inch of her body was just magnifying everything else.

  To say she’d had better days was surely an understatement. At the moment, she just wanted to find someplace to lay her head down and put up her aching feet. Then, she’d think about getting something in her stomach. Maybe this time it just might surprise her and stay there.

  “Later is fine, Josh. But there’s no need for you to take me home. I don’t want to interrupt your day.” Nor did she want to start becoming dependent on Josh again. No, independence was the word of the day, especially when it came to Josh.

  “Really Em, it’s no trouble. I’d be happy to do it.” He wasn’t certain he liked the idea of just letting her walk out of his office right now, and certainly not alone.

  “I know, Josh.” Grateful, she laid a hand on his arm. “And I appreciate it, I truly do, but I think I might enjoy the walk,” she said with a sassy smile. “To get acquainted with the town again.” Absently, she walked to the large glass window that fronted the main street of Saddle Falls, and immediately a well of memories sprang to life. She could see the Saddle Falls movie theater marquee, as well as the sign for a new pizzeria just across the street. If she craned her neck, she could almost see her father’s diner just a short way down. With a sigh, she turned back to Josh. “How’s your family, Josh? Your grandfather, Tommy? Your brothers?” You, she wanted to ask, but didn’t.

  His grin was quick and charming. “Tommy’s fine, as always. He’s pushing eighty but you’d never know it. Jake got married about a few months ago, and Jared followed suit shortly thereafter.” He lifted a finger to scratch a brow. “Rebecca, Jake’s wife, is expecting, and also Natalie, Jared’s wife.” He laughed. “They already have a set of twins with another set on the way.”

  “Twins?” She grinned. “Tommy must be thrilled,” she said, knowing how his grandfather Tommy felt about family.

  Josh nodded, thinking about the one person they didn’t talk about—his brother Jesse who had been kidnapped from their own home almost twenty years ago, never to be heard from again.

  “And what about you, Josh?” she asked softly, ignoring the increased tempo of her heart. “Have you taken the plunge yet?”

  He shook his head. “Not me,” he answered with a shake of his head and another quick grin. “Someone’s got to hold up the Ryan hell-raising tradition. I figure it’s my responsibility now. I’m the last unmarried Ryan and I wouldn’t want to deprive the town gossips of their daily news fix.”

  That brought another smile to Em’s face as memories from her childhood surfaced. One thing about small town living. Everyone knew everyone else’s business. It would be a relief to be living among people she knew once again, rather than living in a community of strangers who didn’t know or care about one another.

  Josh glanced around his spacious office, pride evident in his face. “Anyway, I’m too busy to get married, Em. I’ve got my practice to handle and I’m still managing the hotel as well as several other properties the
family owns. My time really is taken,” he said. “I converted the top floor of the hotel into an apartment for myself so I don’t have to keep running back and forth to the ranch, but I still go home to the ranch at least twice a week for dinner and to see the family.”

  The family. His family. For so long the Ryans had made Emma feel like family as well. Until this moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed or loved this little town and everything and everyone in it. But then again, she knew she’d never have felt this way if she hadn’t left.

  Sometimes you had to lose something in order to truly appreciate it, she thought with a sigh.

  “So, to be honest, Em I wouldn’t mind running you home. It’ll give me a chance to stop and see Tommy.”

  “Thanks, Josh,” she said with a firm shake of her head. “But I think a walk through town might be just what I need right now. Besides,” she added with a laugh when she saw he was still frowning. “I can walk to my father’s house from here in less time than it will take you to start your car and drive it out of the parking lot. I’ll be fine, Josh, truly.” It was her turn to lay a hand to his cheek. “Please don’t worry about me, Josh.”

  “All right, Em,” he said with a nod, not in the least bit convinced. How on earth did she expect him not to worry when she looked like a good, brisk wind would knock her over?

  Again, he bit his tongue, refusing to pry. She had enough on her plate right now, coming to terms with her father’s death, not to mention whatever else was troubling her. Whatever it was, it was big, he realized, something she couldn’t hide from him. But then again, Em never had been able to hide anything from him. They’d always been far too close. Like two matched peas in a pod.

  But he didn’t want to push her now, didn’t want to start prying into something until he was certain she was up to answering his questions. “I’ll stop by later to see you. We can go over the rest of the details then.”

  “Fine.” On impulse, Emma leaned up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Josh. For everything.” Her gaze searched his and she felt her aching heart soften and tumble over. Dear Josh. Even after all these years he was still the solid rock of stability she’d come to love as a child. At least some things never changed, she thought with an inner smile. “You have no idea how good it is to see you.”

  “And you, Em,” he said softly. Unable to conceal his concern, Josh dragged a hand through his hair. “In the meantime, if you need anything, anything at all, you just give a holler, you hear?”

  “I hear,” she said with a smile.

  Reluctant to just let her leave, Josh struggled to find something else to say, to keep her there if only for a few more moments to soothe his own worried mind. “Em—” Unable to resist, he dropped his hands to her slender shoulders, felt them shaking, then pulled her close for a quick hug of comfort, not certain if it was more for his sake or hers.

  The sweet scent of her perfume, something that smelled like fresh-picked roses coupled with a hint of vanilla teased his nostrils, making him vividly aware of her and the fact that she was no longer a little girl. And if her scent wasn’t enough to remind him, surely the lush, feminine body pressed tightly against him certainly would have.

  She had grown up on him, he realized with a start, although she really hadn’t changed all that much. She still had that short cap of unruly black hair that framed a delicate, porcelain face. And what a face, he thought with a smile. Em had matured into quite a beauty. Her eyes were huge and the color of deep sapphires, ringed by long fringes of dark lashes.

  With her small, sassy mouth and that cute upturned nose dotted with a mass of freckles, she still reminded him of a precious doll. But that oversize shirt she had on coupled with those baggy jeans made her looked even more delicate; her clothes swamped her.

  Closing his eyes, Josh tried to put all worry out of his mind, and simply held Emma, grateful to have her home once again. He had indeed missed her, missed her friendship and her closeness. Emma had been the one and only woman, other than his mother, he’d ever trusted.

  Except for one painful exception, he thought, his face clouding with grief. Melanie. No, he wasn’t going to ruin this moment by thinking of her and what she’d done. Not now. Now, he was merely going to enjoy the present.

  With Josh’s strong, gentle hands caressing her back, for just a moment, Em allowed herself to lean into him, to feel the warmth of his comfort and concern. It had been so long since she’d had the care of comfort of another person she felt as if she were drowning in long-suppressed emotions.

  She wanted to abandon herself to the feelings, to merely cling to Josh and his strength and comfort, to share the pain and burdens she’d carried the past few months.

  But she couldn’t and she knew it.

  Stunned by the impact of having that hard, masculine body pressed so intimately against her, and fearing Josh might discover her secret, Em forced herself to draw back, to look up at him. Way up. He’d always towered over her; now that he was full grown, he did so more than ever. The man had to top at least six-four, maybe even six-five.

  Goodness, Emma thought, with a grin, he’d grown up to be undeniably gorgeous. She shook her head, amused at herself and the fact that even after all these years, she still found her childhood friend so mouthwateringly appealing.

  He may have been all grown-up now, and all spiff and polish as only fitting Saddle Falls’s most prominent attorney, but he still had those wild Irish blue eyes that always hinted at a bit of rebellion and mischief and a shock of coal-black hair that was styled in such a way to give him a reckless, slightly dangerous look—respected attorney or not.

  While all the Ryan boys were incredibly gorgeous, setting female hearts aflutter all over town, there’d always been something just a bit special about Josh.

  Perhaps it was his confidence or maybe it was the hint of mischief always lurking behind his incredible eyes, or maybe it was the unending kindness and generosity of his heart and his spirit, especially for those he loved.

  Whatever it was that Josh had, Em was sure glad she was immune to a man’s charm now—immune and cured, otherwise she could be in serious female-heart trouble here.

  But she wasn’t, she assured herself confidently. Josh was, and always had been just a friend. Hadn’t he made that abundantly clear when she was twelve and he was fourteen and in a fit of female stupidity she’d confessed her undying love for him?

  She’d been hurt by his rejection, hurt that he’d dismissed her feelings as those of just a kid, so hurt that she’d decided then and there never to let him know how she truly felt about him ever again.

  It was a promise she’d kept. And intended to keep.

  She might have been a slow learner as her father had always told her, but she wasn’t stupid.

  Besides, she’d fallen in love with a man once, then foolishly married him, believing she could have a romantic fairy-tale life. But she knew now what it had cost her; she was not about to make that mistake ever again. She wasn’t about to let herself be blinded by love ever again. Especially with a man who’d already told her he’d never love her that way.

  But boy, it sure didn’t hurt to look, she decided in amusement, suddenly tickled by the fact that Josh was—as always—worrying. She could see it in his eyes, in the set of his strong chin.

  Em sighed, realizing that some things never changed. And Josh’s propensity for worrying about her was one. But she couldn’t help but feel totally charmed and enchanted by it, knowing that Josh was still…Josh, and that brought about a certain sense of comfort and security in what, up to now, had been a very insecure world to her.

  Her father’s generosity had solved every immediate problem she had, so much so, that she could actually smile and mean it.

  But having Josh’s arms around her was playing havoc with her pulse and her tumultuous emotions—not a good thing in her condition.

  “Em, I’m glad you’re home.”

  She beamed at him allowing the first honest emotio
n to cut through the haze of fear and panic that had walked with her for months. “So am I, Josh. So am I.” With a regretful little sigh, Em stepped back out of his embrace, not trusting the feelings and emotions Josh’s touch had evoked. It was just hormones, she told herself, trying not to get too excited by the feelings suffusing her. The doctor said it would happen, had in fact told her to expect it. So the feelings Josh’s touch evoked was certainly nothing to get alarmed about. Nothing at all.

  “Thanks, Josh, for everything. I’ll see you later.” Anxious to leave because of how she was feeling, Em headed toward the door, holding back her sigh of unbridled relief until Josh’s office door closed quietly behind her.

  Chapter Two

  Two hours later, juggling a bag of groceries, a small suitcase and her purse, Emma nervously inserted her key into the front door, and for the first time in six long years stepped into her father’s house.

  Although it was January, the days in Nevada were still warm, but the house had been closed up and the air-conditioning turned off, so that now the house was eerily dark and stifling oppressive, making it difficult to breathe. With the front door still open, allowing a hint of light from the fading sun, inside Emma leaned on the doorjamb, letting everything in her arms slide to the floor as another bout of nausea and dizziness hit her. The grocery bag tipped, dumping its contents onto the floor where cans rolled and boxes bounced across the room. Watching them, Em merely shook her head, unable to drag up enough energy to go chasing after them.

  She was already in her second trimester of pregnancy and the doctors had assured her this light-headedness, along with the morning sickness and unbearable fatigue would have passed by now.

  Clearly, they’d been wrong, she thought with a frown, unconsciously pressing a protective hand against her slightly bulging tummy.

  Totally drained, she leaned her back against the door, then slid down until her behind reached the floor, not trusting her shaky legs to support her any longer.